Leo Tolstoy's The Office

Ivan was deeply troubled. His life seemed empty, meaningless, devoid of hope or purpose. Despair enveloped him like a great fog around a bridge. He would have taken a cudgel to any man who crossed him at that moment.

But in an instant his heart leapt, and the world came alive with joy and wonder. Outside the window, in the moonlight, he saw Sonya. She hadn't changed since her brother's cousin's name-day at his Aunt's summer house in Moscow, all those years ago. He loved her, and she him. Their happiness was boundless. But history was against them, as forces behind their control swept him off to war and inevitable death. She collapsed with grief, remained inconsolable for many years, and then married his cousin.

Ten years later Ivan returned to his father's home, his wounds healed. But his face betrayed his inner gloom. Shrouded in a fog of his own torpor, wracked with anguish, with his faith all but extinguished, he sat on a tree stump beside a narrow bridge and allowed his head to fall into his hands. But wait - that sound! Oh joy, that birdsong, that sweet sound of his youth growing up with cousin Dmitri and Uncle Pasha's niece! He collapsed with joy, and lived happily there for many years, eventually marrying someone's sister Veronica.

Also, Napoleon was over-rated.

Jane Austen's The Office

She looked out at me from beneath her lace-trimmed bonnet, caught my eye for but a heartbeat, then blushed with ladylike regret. I smiled wanly, bracing my shoulders straight as if I were an officer of Her Majesty's Navy. Here it was at last, the love I had heard tell of, had seen in the picture-books of my youth in sleepy Dorsetshire. On my honour, the birds sang more sweetly and the sun shone more truly that day than e'er before.

We met later at the water pump, quite by chance. What ecstasy! Her petticoats were heavenly. The Lord and St. Agnes forgive me, but how I longed for a glimpse of her ankle. She pumped the water self-consciously, the suggestive motion of her arm almost too much for either of us to bear. I felt my girdle tighten, and blushed. I resolved to ask her father for her hand in marriage - anything else would have been a slight on her reputation, and I couldn't bear to see her condemned to spinsterhood at the age of sixteen. M'Lady Harriet, how I love thee!

Mullocker's Demise

Mullocker died in a plane crash, or a boat crash, or the worst runaway ferris wheel accident Florida had every seen, or whatever. He made a big drawn-out speech right before the end, but who cares. The End.