The Continued Existence of Wendi A. Ohmigod, #1

Hi. I'm Wendi. That's not how my parents spelled my name, but I think it's nice. I work in your office, as a bip bip as a bip bip bip a bip oops bip oops that's my mobile phone bip bip oops it makes that noise every time I press a button bip. It's a Nokia. Now the thing about me - I like telling you what kind of person I am - the thing about me is that I'm just doing my best, and that's all anyone can ask. Ohmigod isn't my real name, it's just something I say a lot because I don't understand the direct link between my actions and the things that go wrong on the computer screen. I work in administration, so without me this place would go to ruin in no time. People don't realise that, but I don't mind, you know me, I just get on with it. I'm only telling you because we're friends. Seeyou!

Tips for Married Life #1

Please note that it is possible, and often preferable, not to learn everything, or indeed anything, from bitter experience.

1. Do not subject your wife's choices of shoes and clothing, and their consequences on her abilities to carry her own belongings and/or walk reasonable distances, to the doctrine of personal responsibility.
2. Do not expose all your wife's thoughts and feelings, particularly those concerning the thoughts and feelings expressed by, lacking in or attributed to third parties, to the full force of intellectual rigour.
3. Do not seek to avoid work around the house, refuse to carry heavy objects, or otherwise gain any advantage whatsoever from an even-handed interpretation of the changing gender roles associated with the women's liberation movement.
4. Do not talk about your wife behind her back, in terms of lazy stereotype, or in public forums, notwithstanding any verbal, written or other consent she may have given for same previously, as all such consent is instantly revocable pursuant to the ancient decree of 'feelings'.

Also, you can't say something and then take it back with a kiss on the cheek.