Grog

To the tune of The Battle Hymn of the Republic (Mine Eyes Have Seen The Coming of the Glory of the Lord):

There were 16 kinds of everything when last I went to sea
And my wife's an ugly troll so it's a sailor's life for me
There were 16 kinds of everything when last I went to sea
And my shipmates called it grog.

We took 16 kinds of everything when last I went to sea
I drank 16 pints of each of them when last I went to sea
And oh by Christ I cannot say how much I had to pee
And my eyes began to fog.

I drank 16 pints of everything when last I went to sea
And I pray your children never know how much I had to pee
I'd had 16 pints of everything and swayed just like the sea
But the damn ship had no bog.

I'd had 16 pints of everything and really had to wee
So I walked the plank to take a leak and I began to pee
But a gust of wind it knocked me off my feet into the sea
And the First Mate drank my grog.

If I Close My Eyes The Morons Go Away

Sign in shop window:

Pipe Cleaning Set

€75

Ideal gift for pipesmoker

Gracious in Defeat

A Global City is a city that is really big and stuff. New York, Paris, Tokyo etc. Dublin is not recognised as a Global City. I don't mind this. Competition is fierce. Our occasionally vomit-covered, scumbag-infested miniopolis is patently inferior to, for example, Minneapolis. Which as you know is famous for the world's largest shopping mall and a giant spoon. Renowned Minneapolitans include actor Vince Vaughan, former Vice-President Walter Mondale and plucky ethnic grab-bag The Mighty Ducks.

Often known as The City of Lakes, Minneapolis is situated in an area whose first European explorer was a Belgian Priest. Nowadays, the Minnesota Fringe Festival is the largest non-juried performing arts festival in the United States. Like all cities though, it isn't just fun and games (at the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, no less) in Minneapolis. There are social problems to deal with. Good citizens of this fair town are exhorted to 'Be a good neighbour---shovel your walk', lest a passing baby deer or other cute animal should suffer a nasty fall on the snow and ice which is all too common at these chilly northern latitudes.

Finally, Minneapolis, birthplace of Richard Dean Anderson, has reputedly the United States' fourth largest Independence Day fireworks display. Rigged up with chewing gum and paperclips, no doubt. And to cap it all, Minneapolis even boasts a statue, located downtown, of Mary Tyler Moore.

Eat shit, Dublin.

Bark Twice If You're In Milwaukee

... with thanks to those who recommended Anchorman, for it is indeed excellent.

Thanks to KevAyreski for the loan of Chuck Palahniuk's Survivor, just finished it, very good. The last surviving member of an ultra-conservative, no-phones-or-electricity Nebraskan suicide cult, Tender Branson, knows how to clean any stain from any surface but thenAnd you'll have to read the rest yourself.

KA's other recommendations, so far with 100% records both for making with the weirdness and the bringing of the quality, are:

1) Patrick Suskind's Perfume
2) Charles Bukowski's Ham on Rye and Factotum
3) Chuck Palahniuk's Invisible Monsters, Choke and Haunted

as well as music including U2's Pop album, Kate Bush, Damien Rice and Led Zeppelin. Ta.

Whilst I'm at it, Keith, for Mitch Hedberg, McSweeney's Lists and B.B. King.

And that's my £0/0/3.5d, Rosie

What the Fudge, Children?

What do Chocolate Salty Balls, John Travolta's career and a prime busking spot in Times Square Subway station have in common?


Coming next week: Nancy Cartwright quits The Simpsons.

Come Fly Wth Me (Or Go Sleep With The Fishes)

In light of allegations that Frank Sinatra was a bagman for the Mob, one thought it humoursome to rework one or two of the songs he sang. As promised, the results:

1) I Get To Kick The Shit Out Of You

2) I've Got You Under My Patio

3) My Funny Valentine's Day Massacre

4) Send in the Feds

5) Subpoenas From Heaven

6) They Can't Take That Away Without A Warrant

And for Sopranos fans:

7) (Theme from) New Jersey, New Jersey

8) You Make Me Feel So Jung

9) My Waste