Anaconda with a Very Bad Headcold

Hello, I am - sniff - a small Yellow Anaconda from far away. (sneezes) My name is Jefferson. I am 3 - excuse me - 3 - excuse me - 3 years old. (sneezes again)

Don't come too close to me. I have a nasty headcold, which has now developed into a chest infection. My whole stomach, some fourteen feet long, is lined with mucus. (hocks up a grapefruit-sized piece of phlegm and spits it into a very large tissue)

I'm afraid I'm dying. This may be a little forward, but as a three year old Anaconda I have only just reached physical maturity, and have never been - sniffle - with a woman. Also, I hear that your husband is in some financial difficulty and I, at the risk of being unseemly, would like to offer you all my worldly possessions for one night of passion before I die.

I'm staying in room 12 at the Holiday Inn if you're agreeable.

Thank you.

Disgruntled Badger

I am a disgruntled badger. Hello! My name is Juanita. That's right, I'm a lady-badger.

As a badger, I encounter a great deal of discrimination on a day-to-day basis. "You're a badger," people shout, when I ask why they won't consider me for a position with their company. Other people, mostly upper-middle-class women, refuse to eat in restaurants unless I am first asked to leave.

Finally, despite being taller than the average badger, I'm never allowed on rides at theme parks because of the minimum height restriction - clearly a case of anti-badger discrimination.

Next time you see me walking down the street, please say "Hi Juanita" or "Hey Sexy Momma" instead of looking around and asking your friend why there's a f*cking badger wandering about.

Thank you.

Baseball Stories #s 2 & 3

Disco Demolition Night

Ten Cent Beer Night

Concession to Reality #3

It turns out I'm capable of falling in love all on my own.

Concession to Reality #2

Your personality may define who you are, but it is your day-to-day routine that determines whether or not you're happy with yourself.

Concession to Reality #1

The blogger would just like to acknowledge publicly that he has been taking himself far, far too seriously for the last year or so.

Baseball Stories

There's a guy who pitches for the San Francisco Giants, name of Randy Messenger.

Gare de L'Est

Welcome back to the train station
Welcome back to the world
With no better place to be dreaming about,
No daydreams of any one girl.

I've been on the wrong train for a year now
And it's hard to give up and turn back
But the station has hot food and showers
I can rest and I'll get back on track.

There are plenty of trains in the train station
Though not all are going to Rome
But the one bound for Dijon ends up someplace else
And you don't have to travel alone.