Christmas Eve #2008

Hello. I am a demented squirrel by the name of Ffff, and I like my Toothpaste. The difference between my Toothpaste and all the other Toothpastes is the difference between a girl who wears a Little Miss Attitude t-shirt, and a girl who doesn't need to.

Happy Christmas, boys and girls!

Pistachio Nut #2

Hi. I'm a pistachio nut. My name is Bill.

Please don't eat me like you ate Bob.

Presidential Address #2

Good evening

My fellow citizens, the time has come to admit to ourselves one inarguable fact. We have failed, despite our best efforts - failed, despite our late-night promises - failed, despite all the collected advice and collective wisdom of ages. We still, my fellow citizens - after everything - we still take ourselves and our problems far too seriously. Who among us, this past year, has really laughed at his or her self the recommended five times a day?

The time has come to take bold action. I propose that every one of us should deliberately fall over at least three times a week.

Thank you

Lonely VCR

Hello. I'm Joanne, your old VCR. Did you know it's been 6 years since you used me for anything? I'm just here on standby the whole time.

I'm still hooked up to the tv. I'm still plugged in cos I share an extension thing with Dick the DVD player. And I lie here, blinking. All the zeroes. It's always midnight for Joanne. I'm neglected, covered in dust. You never rewind anything any more. I feel like I'm not part of your life. So I decided to express myself the only way I know how - a country music song.

Sometimes, it's hard, to be a Thomson
(Long Play Video ND)
Given all, your new, fancy machines.

You don't, miss me
Cassettes, are shitty
Now you have replay, on demand.

But if you, loved me
Then don't, forget me
After all, I'm on, the tv stand.

Standby Joanne
Could show you 80's football
And, looking back, remind you
Of days, before the backpass.

Standby Joanne
Could show you old tv shows
Including ads, for Raisin Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
Stand, by, Joanne.

Pistachio Nut

Hello. I am a pistachio nut. My name is Bob.

Please don't eat me.

America

America you're beautiful
A girl with an Italian name
So elegant in simple clothes
Genuine despite your fame
I see now why they flock to you
Though some of them won't make it through
(It) won't be long before I hope
To hear you singing in my dreams.

America you call to me
A question's forming in your eyes
You smile at me suggestively
But never say a word
My heart it wants to give a speech
About the heights our souls could reach
Your dark brown eyes are big enough
To hold all of my dreams.

America you've come so far
You're coming from a real good place
They stud your sky with diamonds
And you bear them all with grace
A wish you weren't so far away
I wish somehow that I could stay
Your rivers are so wide
I have to swim them in my dreams.

I always saw great things in you
I'm a true believer til the end
The battle would be won my dear
If only you'd contend.
Please dont go back into your shell
Seems like the world might go to hell
I'll make it on my own but
I'll be dying in my dreams.

Overshare #1

Girl wearing a cocktail dress,
Eating sausage sambos on a Sunday afternoon.
At time of going to press,
She is helpless - like a big balloon.

Girl with hair a bit of a mess,
Checking dart times on a Sunday afternoon.
Perhaps it's time I did confess
I stand bereft of pantaloon.

Girl with no means of redress
Lookin' baffled on a Sunday afternoon.
I'm not trying to impress but
Think I might be her undoin'.